Greed or Goals: An honest review of my life

    January 23,2025

Wow, I'm 40. I've lived 2080 weeks. I've lived 14,600 days. God willing I'll live to be 80+, but if not, I've lived over half my life already. Writing this down or saying this out loud scares me. I'm sure it scares some of you too. I think it scares me because I haven't accomplished anything that I feel will leave me a legacy. Yes, family may remember me, and say sweet or maybe even sour things about me, but a legacy to span generations just isn't there on the current trajectory I'm on.

Well, let me take you back a bit. My life growing up was filled with love and affection, but also filled with food stamps, alcohol, drugs, and some domestic violence. Don't feel bad for me. Everyone's story shapes them into the people they are. Some are perfect circles, triangles, or squares, and some are irregular hexagons. I feel like I teeter between a perfect shape and an irregular one. We were poor, but when you're young you don't really care that much, well unless you have little asshole kids making fun of you for it. Thankfully that didn't happen to me. I didn't realize we were on the lower spectrum of the economy until I was older and my mom and step dad (my dad) started inching their way into the lower middle class. In high school I saw the struggle. I didn't play sports because I wanted clothing and a car which my parents were not in a position to buy. I had to buy it myself, so I did. Nothing great. A 70's Chevy who's power steering locked up every time it got to cold. I parked in the back of the school parking lot so people didn't know what I drove. Not sure if they'd care, but I cared.

We'll stop there because I feel that it is a perfect Segway to some details I want to share and also vent about. I have always cared what people think. As I've gotten older I don't necessarily care as much, but it does creep in. Mainly what I care about is stuff that I could totally change. Finances, luxuries, and other material crap like that. You have to understand that to me, when people have the nice house, car, toys, and all the other nice stuff money can buy, I feel like they made it. Like they do have their legacy. They don't have to struggle financially as much as a middle class American does. In my mind, their worries are how to continue scaling their business to make more money, or how to get that promotion to make more money. I will admit I'm wrapped up in the dollars. I know my thought process is completely flawed, and many of you reading this are saying stuff like "money doesn't buy happiness" or "they have struggles that money can't fix". Yes, I know all this, but my mind is so fixated on it that my logic goes out the window and I just get irritated at myself that I'm not at that point. I also worry that I never will be.

I talked in the beginning about accomplishments and legacy. As you can see my perception of this is skewed. I know it is. Creating generational wealth is what I feel will leave a legacy at this point in my life, and I don't know if I have the capability to do it. If my mother or any of my other family members are reading this, they are probably thinking how ungrateful I am, and to tell you the truth, anytime I think about my perception of this topic I do feel guilty. I was raised to be thankful and appreciate all you have. Not gripe about the blessing you don't have or that have not found you yet. I've never been rich monetarily, and I just think it would be so nice to never have to worry about splitting the check, or clipping coupons. To not be afraid to open my bank app in fear of how low the balance might be. If you've never been in that position, let me tell you that it sucks. If you have, you know my pain.

I'm sharing these complaints/thoughts with you all in an attempt to motivate myself after I read it back. I currently own a service business that isn't making much money, and that I am not proud of. I don't feel like I have any real sellable skills, and my passion is nowhere to be found. Man I sound super self deprecating right now. No I'm not going to go self mutilate, but this is real content spewing out of me like hot lava at the moment. All this is my fault. I'm a bit lazy, and I quit at the first sign of trouble. I'm trying to rectify these issues, but one foot in front of the other right. Maybe writing blog posts and doing research will lead me to a passion. I really don't want to have to go work under someone else. Some manager that's 10 years my senior with an MBA and sense of entitlement micromanaging me is my 2nd worst nightmare. Getting attacked by a large angry dog is my first.

I'm hoping this year will bring an abundance of great memories, experiences, and fulfillment. Some financial abundance wouldn't hurt either because after reading this back to myself I'm pretty sure I'm a greedy asshole. I do want to give thanks to the big guy and his son upstairs for all they have given me. If you do help me up the mountain of financial success, you know the big heart you have given me will share with those around me... You Know What I Mean?